Infrequently asked questions

Sam Smith

How will we know when Romney believes in global warming? When he loosens his tie.

The recent law suits over the Miss Universe contest raise a legal question we need some help with: how is it possible to defame Donald Trump? Don’t you need a reputation first?

From a male reader: “Is masturbation murder? Please let me know within the next couple of hours.”

Now that Washington is fully dysfunctional, how do we conduct an intervention?

If the Mayans were so damn smart with their calendar and all, why aren’t there more Mayans around?

Why do the suicides of 22 veterans a day attract so little interest compared, say, with a similar number of one time deaths at a school?

Why do hardly any of the contestants on ‘American Idol’ sing as well as all of the performers on ‘Glee?’

Where did they find enough books for the Bush library?

Why – as the president claims – does a constitutional right such as freedom of the press have to be “balanced” against bureaucratic procedures such as classifying something as secret? Where does the Constitution refer to this? And which Harvard law professor taught Obama he could get away with it?

Have you noticed how easy it is to see through politicians who talk about transparency?

Why do people who call themselves intelligence experts do so many stupid things?

About three quarters of Brits believe in the monarchy, but less than half believe in climate change. What will the new royal baby rule a half century from now?

If you want to complain about anonymous sources in journalism, is it okay to quote “leading experts” in order to bolster your case?

Why does the media always refer to people defending our civil liberties and the Constitution as “activists” or “advocates?” Wouldn’t “citizens” do just as well?

Why do America’s humanitarian instincts only work in places where there is gas and oil involved?

Why do restaurant servers provide so much redundant information such as, “Here’s some cream that you can put into your coffee?” or “Here’s a glass of water to provide some liquid with your meal?”

How did “reform” stop being change for the better and become change for the powerful?

Isn’t talking about American exceptionalism similar to bragging about how beautiful or handsome you are?

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