Mending my ways

Sam Smith

I’m sorry. Now I understand. Until last week’s budget deal, I never really appreciated the importance of adult conversation, bipartisanship, moderation and calming a bunch of bullies by giving up everything you promised the voters.

I’m going to try to mend my ways. From here on out, I’m only going to advocate policies that have at least majority support with the American people. I hope President Obama, and the media that so admires his lofty elevation above all debate, will join me.

In keeping with this standard I propose for starters that we raise to the top of the agenda the following items most Americans say they want:

Gay marriage

A faster withdrawal from Afghanistan

Legalized marijuana

An end to corporate personhood

Increasing taxes on the wealthy

No cuts in Social Security.

An end to capital punishment

Mr. President, would you join us mainstream Americans for an adult conversation on these matters?

If not, could you advise us as to which programs we should threaten to abolish in order to get your attention? We’re kind of new to this maturity thing.

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