CONSERVATIVE GROUP DENIES HUMAN ROLE IN TRAFFIC JAMS

Progressive Review –  Fresh from raising serious questions about the human role in climate change, a conservative group – People for Driving – has challenged the widely-held belief that people cause traffic jams. They argue that tie-ups are the result of the natural and random ebb and flow of cars.

The argument has already raised serious problems on Capitol Hill for those pushing for more mass transit or the repair of existing roads and bridges.

PFD points out that even though approximately the same number of people live in a city during a 24 hour period, traffic congestion changes considerably. Further, traffic tie-ups greatly diminish on weekends, again with no significant change in population.

“This is a classic case of correlation being mistaken for causation,” says Florie M. Megafone, director the group.

The group claims liberals are blaming humans for what is a natural and unpredictable event and, as a result, are damaging the economy and individual freedom.

Charles Olglebot of the American Automobile Association said that nothing in their research indicates that cars are present on the highway without their drivers wishing them to be there, but he admitted not to have done a study specifically aimed at this question.

Conservative critics point out a number of instances where local TV news programs grossly overestimated the seriousness of a traffic jam in order to build their audience. William Appledirth of Fox Channel 13, for example, has admitted using adjectives like “terrible,” “tremendous” and “blocks-long” to describe traffic congestion even though Channel 13 lacked any scientific proof of these claims.

“We can’t let this major traffic jam scandal continue,” says Megafone.

Another conservative group is also looking into reports that sex isn’t always necessary to have a baby. Said a spokesperson, “Liberals want to blame people for everything.”- Josiah Swampoodle

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